My Secondhand Year

During Covid, when we had really ramped up our online purchasing (hello Drizzly!), we had a joke in our family that every day was like Christmas. One of us would open the front door to behold the stoop stacked with packages and proclaim, “Merry Christmas!” (We were clearly on edge like the rest of the world and probably a little giddy-slash-hysterical.) Even though I suspected nothing exciting was in the packages (at times it was hard to keep track of), I still got a little thrill every time I saw that pile (just like a kid looking under the tree on Christmas morning). Then of course when we’d open the packages — full of goodies such as printer paper, disinfecting wipes, and dog treats — the feeling of excitement would wane almost instantaneously. Because that’s all it was — a fleeting dopamine rush caused by the anticipation of opening a package.

Once I started thinking about this, it occurred to me that this same exact phenomenon happens when I order clothes (or jewelry or cosmetics) online. I get excited for my purchases to arrive, then have a brief thrill seeing the package by my front door and an ever briefer thrill opening it up, only to be basically back to normal five minutes (or less) later — whether or not I like, or even love, the item(s) I just received.

It turns out there’s a psychological explanation for this. According to a study published in Psychology Today, our brains release dopamine (the chemical associated with pleasure that is known as the “feel good” neurotransmitter) in anticipation of a reward, AND the unpredictability of that reward increases anticipation and thus the amount of dopamine released. Shopping online, as opposed to walking into the mall, creates anticipation because you have to wait for the purchase to arrive. Apparently I’m among the 79 percent of Americans who get more excited over online purchases (that they waited for in the mail) than I do for in-store ones.

But, the truth is a dopamine rush is really just a chemical reaction (you can get the same thing from a delicious cookie or a drug). It’s not real joy. Real joy is constant, it’s limitless, it’s life-defining. Also, joy is a choice. It’s not something that happens to you (even when you buy a new pair of Ugg slippers).

Everyone is different, but for me, joy comes from being present in the moment. It comes from appreciating what I have and doing what I love: Hiking. Skiing. Riding my bike. Walking my dogs. Generally being outside. Generally being in front of a fire. Looking at art. Eating dinner with my family. Drinking coffee with my husband. Snuggling up under a cozy blanket. Reading a great book…

Reading what I just wrote, I just realized something profound: Not only does online shopping not bring me joy, it actually takes me away from the things that do.

But, like a drug, there’s still that promise of the quick thrill, the dopamine rush. It’s only February, and I’ve already had a few occasions where I’ve caught myself mindlessly scrolling through search results for “straight-leg jeans” or “cashmere cardigan” (only on resale sites but still) and literally slammed my laptop shut. I was definitely not being present, and I honestly realized it because I was feeling a little tense. Not joyful at all. It’s annoying when you catch yourself doing things that sabotage your own mindfulness, not to mention your bank account. Still, these habits are hard to break (there’s a reason dopamine is also known as the “addiction chemical”), so I’m trying to go easy on myself.

I’m getting used to the decidedly un-Christmasy empty front stoop. Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.